Who Is He

Shortly after my move to Boulder in 2008 I experienced a profound healing with my 24 year old son. The realization was I holding him in a space of the past, I loved him for all that he was and not for who he is. As a mother it is quite easy to fall into this pattern, as we tend to see our children as those sweet little ones we nurtured for so long. This pulls us back to those memories and can get us stuck there, while creating distortion for our children. Though incredibly close to my children through the years, this would prove to be my greatest challenge; the separation of our merged energies while detaching from all of those memories.

Spirit set up a good one for me, one day an issue arose minor yet needing review. Upon my son’s return home I quickly opened my heart in the right moment and let the healing begin. We talked for hours, late into the night. The conversation – healing would span decades and many moments of discord we had in our history growing up together. By the end of the night I said “oh my Ryan, I have been holding you in a space and time of who you were and not for the man you are right now in front of me.”

Ryan the wise old soul that he is, I felt all along he knew how to direct this so that I get it; he was always my mentor. The past just does not work here anymore, our memories are just that. No need to examine and revisit them, as they are simply stored on the hard drive. Instead see the person you are with for who they are now and not for who they were. The stories and drama are just that, they were the lessons we chose. Our hi-story provides for us the opportunity to gather the tools and skills which are needed in this moment. We are not our memories, we are the consciousness that experienced them. The attachment to our past keeps us tied down, corded to that moment and this cording may show up as a repeated pattern that gets us stuck and will often times manifest in the physical as an impairment.

A couple of months ago I did a ritual of packing up all my memories. Each night as I lay in bed, I would spend time in the ethers pack every memory I could access. Since moving so often I started from the beginning, home to home by revisiting each moment as I pulled up the memory and then with gratitude packing it up and stacking the box. It took about 2 weeks in total to clear it all from me. Now freeing up the much-needed room for expansion, like defragging while optimizing the hard drive.

Our memories can bring to us great joy or poignancy, either way keeping us from being here now. Memories can become a stuck pattern in our life as any addiction can keeping us somewhere better, safer; for others perhaps fearful and painful. My life’s journey has been filled with many memories that I honor for the healing they offer, ultimately it is the journey and the path that leads us forward. The moving sidewalk of life holds an expectation for us to take that next step or otherwise provokes difficulty if we hesitate or try to go backwards. Let go of who you were and embrace who you are…….

Love and Gratitude,


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